Fuck cigarettes! I’m done with those nasty smelling, cancer causing, chemical infested, burning, leaving ashes everywhere, teeth yellowing, super expensive, pay to kill myself addictive fucking things!!
I have been smoking since I was 15 years old am completely amazed at the stupidity of my behavior for over the last 20 years of my life. I don’t know why the fuck I decided to start smoking in the first place but when I started smoking a pack of smokes cost around $2. Now in the year 2014 I have been paying around $12 a fucking pack for years. At a pack of day, sometime more, I have been killing myself and paying to kill myself at somewhere to the tune of close to $4,000 a fucking year! That’s like paying someone $10 a day to kick you in the fucking nuts.
My girlfriend at the time, wife now, hated the fact that I smoked. I promised her I would quite. That was over 15 years ago. I promised myself and her that I would quit when my kid was born. That was over 8 fucking years ago. I tried to quit cold turkey only to make some sort of excuse as to why I needed a smoke. I tried that patches only to feel that my heart was going to explode. I tried the gum but it tasted like shit. I tried e-cigs only to smoke those twice as much at a higher price and realized I was probably doing as much damage to my body. I thought about using Chantix but didn’t want to deal with the side effects. I thought about hypnosis but didn’t want to pay over $350 for something that probably wouldn’t work. I now realize that I never had any intention of quitting. If I did why the fuck would I continue to purchase pack after pack?
I have done a ton of dumb shit over the course of the last 20 somewhat years of my life in the pursuit of getting my fix. What do I mean? Here is a list of stupid shit I have done to continue the habit absent of all the money I have pissed away. 13 reasons to say “Fuck cigarettes!”
1. Went out numerous times in downpours without an umbrella to buy a pack of cigarettes. Fuck cigarettes!
2. Went out in blizzards to buy a pack of cigarettes. Fuck cigarettes!
3. Walked around NYC piss ass drunk at 3AM in the morning to find an open store where I could not only but a pack of cigarettes but only buy the cigarettes if the store had my brand of cancer sticks. Fuck cigarettes!
4. Purchased 2 packs of cigarettes to avoid the chance that I could run out at some point during the night to avoid having to go out at an inconvenient time. Fuck cigarettes!
5. Went outside in below 0 degree weather to get my fix although I couldn’t feel my face or hands.
6. Almost got kicked out of Yankee Stadium for smoking. Fuck cigarettes!
7. Smoked a cigarette during halftime of a Knicks game at MSG because I was drinking and “needed” one not giving a rats ass about all the kids there. Fuck cigarettes!
8. Counted the number of cigarettes left in a pack and calculated whether or not I may run out before I go to sleep as the deciding factor as to whether to buy another pack or run the risk of running out. Fuck cigarettes!
9. When asked for a cigarette by a fellow smoker lied and said “Sorry, this is my last one.” when asked for a cigarette. Fuck cigarettes!
10. When budgeting for my weekly expenses, worked backwards based on my smoking habit. Fuck cigarettes!
11. While driving to work one morning after a night of snowfall “needed” a cigarette and tried to open my driver side window but it wouldn’t open. The driver said back window did. I opened the back window so I could flick the ashes out the window. Fuck cigarettes!
12. Dropped a cigarette on the stove, setting it on fire on the stovetop as I couldn’t find a lighter or a book of matches. Fuck cigarettes!
13. Have chosen cigarettes over eating when not having enough money in my wallet for both to avoid going to an ATM. Fuck cigarettes!
The above is only some of stupid shit I have done to support my smoking habit. To make matters worse I FUCKING HATE CIGARETTES and here’s why:
1. I’m paying to kill myself. – Why not just pay someone $10 a day to kick me in the fucking nuts?
2. Makes my clothes smell like an ashtray.
3. Leaves ashes fucking everywhere.
4. Yellow teeth.
5. Makes me look older than I am.
6. Having to deal with the melodramatic non smokers of the world.
7. Stamina is effected.
8. All the $$$$ I have pissed away!
Again a short list and far from all inclusive but the bottom line is FUCK CIGARETTES as in FUCK CIGARETTES!!!!
I have wanted to quit smoking at various times for years and have actually done it for weeks at a time and for almost a month one time. Me being the asshole that I am have come up with what I feel is an ingenious way for me to finally kick the habit and kick the habit for good. I feel it’s ingenious although my wife thinks I’m full of shit but I recommend this to anyone who is as fucked up as I am. I BOUGHT A BRAND NEW FUCKING CAR!!!!
A brand new car? Not just any brand new car. A brand new car that I have wanted for what seems like forever. I sat down and calculated how much money I spent a month on killing myself. I than calculated what my payment would be on the car that I have always wanted. Stop with the absolutely stupid act of lighting a piece of paper filled with nicotine, tobacco and cancer causing chemicals and I could actually afford to drive the car I want leaving behind the responsible, soul sucking vehicle I drove for the last 8 years.
Now here’s the kicker. I can only afford my super awesome, turbocharged, amazing sound system, feel like a pimp, try to race me and be embarrassed new car if cigarettes are 100% taken out the equation. 1 pack….1 fucking pack and I’m short on my car payment. If I actually drive this car into a parking lot and buy a pack of smokes knowing that’s the difference between me keeping my ride or having the repo dude show up I deserve not only to be smacked in the back of the head with a bat but to be hung upside down by my nuts while being forced to watch gay make porn for 24 hours while having my eyelids kept open with toothpicks!!
A bit extreme? ABSOLUTELY! Complete and utter stupidity? PERHAPS but different strokes for different folks. I feel that this is a win win situation. I quit smoking thus allowing me to stop killing myself while I reallocate my former smoking funds to the car that I have always wanted. Should I buy a pack, ONE FUCKING PACK, said vehicle goes bye bye. It’s kind of like the movies “Tales from the Darkside” where a man’s wife would have her finger cut off if he smokes a cigarette. He does and she loses her finger.
Will I keep my ride or will the repo man come a knocking? Let me think!