Dumb Shit The Bible Says!
The most widely read book in the world each and every year but how many actually read it? For anyone with a basic level of reading comprehension it’s unbelievable to me that very few question the written words. With that being said here is a short list of dumb shit the bible says:
“Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.” — PROVERBS 31:6
Why in the fuck do we have doctors? The Bible is pretty clear on this. If someone is dying give him or her a fucking beer. If a person is simply hurting give the person a glass of wine. I’ll assume both red and white are fine.
“And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.” — ISAIAH 34:7
Unicorns? Did the bible say fucking unicorns? Do I really have to say more?
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother- in-law….” MATTHEW 10:34
Maybe it’s just me but Jesus sounds like a real douche. I guess it was apparent that not everyone would believe that he was the son of God, God or whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be but fuck it. Let families be torn to shreds.
“As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silence in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be subordinate, as even the law says. If there is anything they desire to know, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” – CORINTHIANS 14:34
Sorry ladies but when in church be sure to shut the fuck up and be sure to ask your hubby should you have questions. Listen I’m not sexist but do as the Bible says!!
“If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” LUKE 14:26
WTF? Jesus sounds like a cult leader if anything. You must pretty much hate everyone close to you and even your own life if you wanted to follow Jesus around and kiss his ass. Loving your father, mother, wife, siblings and merely liking aspects of your life disqualified you from being a disciple.
“Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.” LEVITICUS 19:28
If you love tattoos you’re fucked. The Bible clearly states that getting a tat for a loved one who passed away or getting a tat in general is a clear no no.
“Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man’s brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother.” Mark 12:19
If you have a married brother who passed away and he and his wife didn’t have children you need to get your ass over to your former sister in laws house, bang the shit out of her and drop loads until you knock her up. ROFL you have got to be kidding me.
Yes the above is a list of dumb shit the Bible says but it could also be called a list of disturbing shit the Bible says. What I find amusing is that in today’s age many people do exactly what is forbidden but also don’t do what the Bible says is allowed.
Perhaps in another 2000 years people will realize that a book of fairy tales and bullshit is nothing more than a book of fairy tales and bullshit. However there will probably still be religious zealots who will continue to pick and choose what to follow and what not to follow yet call themselves religious.